Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
