ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
