If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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