Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
My feet surprised me
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
