in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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