She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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