I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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