OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
