You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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