the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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