just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
