So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
