My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
you had me at cake vodka
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
