I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize