my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
