I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
