you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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