Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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