Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

Sorry hippomachine hasn't picked any favorites yet.

ADVERTISEMENT

(704): View more from North Carolina

I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.

Fav 14 1004 1662
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack

Fav 14 1827 3503
share tweet

ADVERTISEMENT

(240): View more from Maryland

She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.

Fav 36 7158 985
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.

Fav 6 2169 3529
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.

Fav 159 6425 2442
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.

Fav 8 1279 2548
share tweet

ADVERTISEMENT

(978): View more from Massachusetts

nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob

Fav 28 2346 5395
share tweet

ADVERTISEMENT

(707): View more from California

No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.

Fav 1 670 249
share tweet

ADVERTISEMENT

(630): View more from Illinois

I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me

Fav 1 143 65
share tweet

ADVERTISEMENT