Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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