i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
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