i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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