Barsexuality is the new black.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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