Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Randomize
