I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
