I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
