3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
