he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
