I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize