Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
