Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
