His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
