Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Randomize
