By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
