She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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