my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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