all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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