You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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