mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
