The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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