How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
