Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
