Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
