I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize