Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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