I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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