tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
