Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize