the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
bring money and cleavage
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
