I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
