im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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