fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
