Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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