I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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