I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
